I think I always had mental issues. I am not diagnosed with anything, but you feel when there is something wrong with you. I used to think I am only making things up. To be more interesting or whatever. I knew I am not well, but I thought maybe I am overreacting. I know now that I was just really insecure and that I am really not okay. But who is, really? We all have something. Maybe that is what makes us human.
Last year was great for me. Maturity exam behind me, high school behind me, new school, new town, new chances. I was so excited. And the first semester at university was great. Lots of work, but also lots of fun and new people and I really enjoyed learning. I felt okay, happy and safe.
And then the new year came. I don´t really know what my wishes for the new year were. I just know that suddenly there was this big cloud in my mind. And nothing brought me joy anymore. School got worse, I skipped lots of classes and it was like I saw everything through a fog. This was my mind - fog everywhere.
But this is not an article about self-pity (there will be lots of those). Or you know what, maybe it is, bare with me. With this fog in my mind, I started doing things that I love less and less. Normally when I am feeling down, I watch a show or read a book, just transport myself to another world. So I tried that. But I read one book per month, watched the same tv show over again and again, or I was starting to watch only quick sitcoms.
Suddenly the exams were before me and I kept telling myself that after them everything will be better. I just need to go through this month and it will be fine. So I just kinda gave up on everything. And tried to give my everything to studying. I still met my friends, still watched sitcoms and still read fanfiction (my other favorite thing). But I didn´t really enjoy any of that. I was so tired all the time. Of everything. The exams were over, I had a summer break, I traveled and had more free time, but it was still the same. Still this fucking heavy fog.
More problems were coming. I knew I needed help, but I was always rescheduling it for another time. After exams. After vacation(s). After I get a new flat. After I move. After and after and after. I will start yoga again, I will bullet journal and journal and I will read, take photos, laugh and just enjoy life. After.
But I am done. I am in my new flat with my friends and I am about to start the second year at university. And I am done waiting for something. I will always have problems (because it is, Turtles All the Way Down) but I will do everything I can not let it come in my way.
I will learn and have fun with my friends and meet new people. I will take photos of books, interact on social media with people that I like, but I will also be outside more. I will say yes to adventures and things that could bring me joy, only if I tried. I will listen to music and sing so hard that my flatmates will hate me. I will dance and laugh and cry. And read, read, read. Watch tv shows and not being ashamed of what part they are in my life. I will work hard and play hard. I will enjoy sunsets and sundowns and rain and wind and snow and sunshine. And I will write, hell I will write. Because these things are me. And I will not lose me only because my mind doesn´t work the way it should. Oh hell no.
So be prepared. Because from now on, I am taking crazy chances and making crazy decisions and doing stuff that I love. And I will probably tell you all about it.
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